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The negative bivdulph that so easily sets in expresses itself at worst in violence, Sults at best as a constant language of put-downs and verbal attacks. My book The Secret of Happy Children struck a chord in places like Britain and Germany, where a new generation kn seeking a more positive and affectionate way to bidsulph a family. It was counter-cultural in the mould of Dr Spock, arguing that love and warmth were more effective than fear and power in making kids settled and co-operative, as well as more confident and successful in adult life.
Advertisement Negativity and abuse in parenting were symptoms of the industrial era, the terrible stresses and deprivations of Sluys life, the hammering of war on the nerves and bodies of men. Snapping out in rage at children was a side effect of adults being stretched beyond belief, and of the heightened patriarchy which came with the industrial way of life.
Rude, hateful language seems to be creeping back into the relationship between parents and children, perhaps aided by the way it has come into ordinary discourse between adults. After all, the President just referred to a number of countries as "shitholes". Sexual epithets are perfectly normal language now. The satirical bedtime book Go the F to Sleep was a cathartic, but still troubling indicator of a demographic at odds with its children. This has deeper roots than parental exasperation.
There is something happening, in the new century, to the way we live, which again is harming our basic humanity. Every economy tends to enslave, and ours is the most effective of all, since the chains are invisible, velvety soft against our wrists and necks. We are induced to work, long hours, all of us, without respite for parenthood, or for anything like a natural rhythm in our days, and rewarded with shiny toys and the ability to cross the globe at will for shallow, glitzy experiences of pseudo-wealth.
Then back onto the treadmill. We trade away our lives, and we don't even question if this has to be so. There are two consequences to this valuing of private success and goals, and those are hurry, and loneliness. The suburban dream turns out to be a nightmare of stress and isolation, and the first to go are the kids.
This is the real problem unacknowledged in the debates about putting babies in daycare, and of "sleep training" for anxious and stressed infants. In the astonishing decline of mental health as even the most affluent and secure kids melt down over homework stress and exam results or perfection of looks or achievement. And in the hyena-like way that young people of all classes fall on the weakest, leading regularly to suicides of boys and girls in their early teens.
This is the real question we need to ask. How has our way of life been so degraded that we are set at odds with those we love the most? That kids and their simple fundamental needs — for time, security, affection — are the enemies of efficient living. Hypercapitalism is killing our families, starting with the youngest, and it might be time to quietly, carefully, walk away.
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